My mental illness story *trigger for suicide attempts and overdose*

Hello lovely people! If you are new here then welcome to my blog. I mostly talk about books with some beauty and mental health posts thrown in.

This post is going to be very personal. Yesterday was the 2nd anniversary of my overdose on prescription anti psychotics. I will be sharing my journey starting Nov 2015.

Nov 2015:

I was working fulltime as a daily living assistant at Shannex. I could tell my mental health was starting to deplete but I just figured I would ignore it and it would go away.  Well in reality that’s not how mental illness works. Nov 22 I went for a appointment with a psychiatrist. This being my first time ever going I didn’t know what to expect. After asking loads of questions they told me they thought I suffered from depression, anxiety and PTSD. There suggestion was for me to take some time off work and try and get my bearings straight.

After that I was put on sick leave for 15 weeks. December 2015 went by in a blur. I would Skype my Dad every day and we would talk for about 3 hours (he was in the Netherlands, while I was in Canada). I cant even tell you what happened the last month of 2015, all I know is I was very out of it. In January 2016 I had my first appt with a psychiatrist. He spent a good 2 hours asking me questions and going over my life (what I would tell him anyway). He diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder.

*So for those keeping track that makes anxiety, depression,PTSD and borderline personality disorder*

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At this point I had also admitted that I was hearing voices (mostly suicidal ones). So he put me on anti psychotics to help with the voices. (I was also taking antidepressants).

At the end of May I went back to Shannex and resigned my job. At this point in my life I just knew I couldn’t mentally work. I moved from my sick leave straight to employment insurance, I figured if nothing else it would at least provide a pay cheque till November.  By the time June, 2016 came I was hearing multiple voices, some friendly while others were suicidal. (I even had one female voice who would make lists of things that started with “B”)

I started going to the hospital more for the voices and just feeling unsafe. It was a constant battle. I started going to Belmont house a couple times a week to talk with a social worker.

By then I was really getting frustrated. I was on so much medication to just get by that I basically was like a walking zombie. I literally couldn’t function.

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As the months went by nothing changed. I was still seeing the social worker and my psychiatrist on a regular basis.  Jan 26, 2017 I went back to my psychiatrist and told him that nothing had changed. His response shocked me. He asked me if I was using street drugs. I abruptly said no (as I have never done drugs in my life). After that he told me he couldn’t help me anymore and not to come back. I felt so abandoned and hopeless, I was a burden on my husband and family and it looked like I would never get better. So I did the only thing I thought would help. I went home and just started popping a bunch of meds. After I had done this I felt extremely guilty and told my husband. We then called Mobile crisis who told us to go to emerge.

The hospital had me on heart monitors and I was under constant watch of the social worker. I stayed overnight and till the evening the next day. The only reason the hospital let me go was because my husband came to pick me up.

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After this my husband hide my drugs and razors. And I started to be seen at the psychiatric hospital.

In February 2017 I started doing homecare again but it didn’t last long. My mental health just wasn’t where it should be to hold down a job. In April 2017 I started blogging remotely. This allowed me to do as much or as little work as I wanted. Plus I was getting extremely bored sitting at home doing nothing.

By now I was hearing a new alarming voice. One that told me to kill my husband. When this happened we abruptly went to the emerge. I was interviewed for what seemed like hours (it was actually 2 hours) and sent home. I started going to the emerge almost every 2 weeks because of the thoughts I was having.

In April 2018 I went back to college. It was only 4 hours a day and I thought it would be good for me. But the thoughts continued and I was still going to emerge frequently. On my 30th birthday I started hearing 3 new voices., so I went back to emerge.

I’m happy to say that that was my last hospital visit. I started working fulltime mon-fri as a cleaner and strangely the voices stopped. I haven’t heard a voice since September 2018 and it feels amazing. Now I’ve been at my cleaning job over 4 months. Its great to have a income again and to not have to worry about how bills will be paid. I still go to therapy once a month just to make sure everything is good.

I still have mental health issues but I have learned (and continue to learn) how to deal with it. Currently I am waiting to get into DBT therapy.  (Teaches you how to manage your emotions).  Till then I am just going to work, socializing with people and for once in my life taking time for myself.  Guys self care is so important.

Well I hope this doesn’t scare anyone off from reading my blog. I just felt like I had to be honest with you

*side note, the sicker I got, the longer my hair got*

 

Till next time

Xx Tanya

 

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Sushi Kiss by MAC

Last May while I was in college for makeup artistry and design I bought this great orange lipstick by MAC cosmetics. 20180525_170704

 

I love it! Its so bright and summery. The Orange surprisingly goes well with my rather light skin tone, the lipstick is very soft and moisturizing. My only complaint is that it doesn’t stay on. I find it comes off rather quickly on cups or straws. If anyone has any tips on how to keep lipstick from coming off I’d love to hear them.

Feel free to leave advice for me wether it’s about lipstick or any other makeup product, I’d love all the advice I can get! The lipstick runs at $23 per tube Canadian.

Till we talk again,

Tanya

24hour readathon announcement

the-perks-of-being-a-wallflowerGood morning my book loving friends! How is everyone this morning? It’s been a LONG time since I did a book post so I thought I would start with this one giving lots of notice so hopefully some of you can join me.

I will be doing a 24h readathon Feb 15th-17th, where I will also be blogging about what I read. Right now I have no idea what I’m going to read. I’ve been in the biggest book slump since October and haven’t read anything so that’s no fun. I will most likely be going for something young adult, unless I have a bookclub read.

I work Feb 15th till 3:30pm and I believe the bookclub is starting the readathon at midnight. I will probably start earlier though just because most of them are in the States and I’m in Canada.

I love doing readathons. I find it’s the perfect time for self care. If anyone is interested I could do a separate blog post about the self care I do during readathons.

Well that’s it for now, I will make sure to let you all know what I plan on reading closer to the readathon

Hope everyone has a great Saturday

Xx Tanya

Inside myself

Inside myself
Here’s a poem I wrote about living with dementia. I hope you guys enjoy it.

May 27, 2015

Deep in the darkness I sit alone, wondering if someday I will get to go home. Do they even see me?. Do they realize?, I had a life outside these walls.

 

I sit and stare at my food, they take it away. I try to yell “stop I’m not done” but it’s no use, No words come out.

 

I wonder if they realize what it’s like to be me. No control over anything anymore. My body won’t listen, the words won’t come out. I’m stuck inside a shell.

 

In the middle of the night, I awake with a fright, nameless faces are turning me left and right. No words are said, they just smile at me and talk to each other. I try to scream “stop” but no words come out.

 

The sun rises and I awake, I’m so stiff and sore, I haven’t moved all night. Someone rushes in, their agenda already set, they go to turn me and I try to scream, no words come out. The only thing I can do is swing my arm. “Combative” I hear them yell, “refused care?” another asks. There I’m left wet and dirty, I try to scream. No words come out.

 

All day I’m left to my own devices, wet and dirty. No one will help me. Lunch time comes and everything is the same, I sit and stare at my food. “Are you going to be difficult all day?” I hear someone ask me. I just sit and stare.

 

If only they could hear me, if only they would listen, but nothing. “I need help”, I think to myself, but no one comes.

 

I sit and wait for the day when the cruel mistress death will come. Some days I pray for it. But I’m still here, trapped within myself. No love, no joy, only emptiness. You just stand and stare at me, wondering what it is I’m thinking. Nurses if you really want to know, let me out!.

Tanya

Where have I been?

Hello fellow bookies!

Its been a while. My last blog post was at the beginning of October so we have some catching up to do.

At the end of September I stopped working at the nursing home. I just wasn’t getting the hours I needed to be able to pay bills. At the end of September my husband quit his job (…..) so I left college to work fulltime. I interviewed with a cleaning company and started fulltime Oct 2,2018. I have to be honest, it makes a huge difference working with people who are actually nice to you, I forgot how much I missed that! Lol.

So currently I work mon-fri 0700-1630. I also got a blogging job which I will be doing on my weekends off (1 post per week).

Nov 24 I adopted a 2 year old female cat from the Nova Scotia spca. Her name is Duffey and she was at the shelter 6 months!. Shes hilarious, she definitely adds light to my life (altho I could live without the 3am zoomies).

Other than that life has been pretty routine. I’ve been in a HUGE reading slump for a couple of months now, although I plan on reading the nightingale by Kristin hannah tomorrow as I have to have it read by next week for my book club. I’ve also started getting a lot of e-book arcs in exchange for reviews so I really have to get on the reading bandwagon!

I hope you guys are doing well. Let me know what’s going on in your life.

Ps I’ve added a pic of my girl Duffey

Xx Tanya

Facial peel in a bottle

20180828_174242Today I went to the mall in search of a facial exfoliant. When I headed to the body shop I never expected to find something so amazing! I was shown a youth facial peel. After testing it on my hand and seeing all the nasty dirt and build up I couldn’t wait to try it on my face and on my husband (surprise). It picked up all the dirt oil and dead skin I had on my face (believe me it was a lot). For someone who washes their face as much as I do (being a up and coming makeup artist I’m always washing makeup off) I never thought my face would be so dirty. It was absolutely disgusting, but I have to say, after doing the facial peel my skin feels so much healthier and cleaner. I honestly can’t wait till the next time I use it. I believe it was $26 @ the body shop. I give it 5 stars! I will definitely be buying it again.

On my Twitter (Twitter.com/readbytanya) I try to stress the importance of self care. As a bookie it’s so easy to just apply a face mask, hand mask or even foot mask while you are reading.

Tanya xx

Face base

Hello lovies! I hope everyone is having a fantastic day!

 

Today’s blog post is about your face base. The face base consists of foundation, concealer, blush and powder.

 

Foundation should match your skin tone perfectly. When looking for a foundation test a line from your cheekbone down your neck. The color that disappears (blends right in) is the shade for you.

Concelear- concealer should also match you skin tone. Myths that concelear should be 1-3 shades lighter than the skin tone is wrong. For myself I have purple bags under my eyes so I combat that by mixing to different concelear colors. One peach (the lights shade MAC makes) and a yellow shaded concealer.

 

Next is blush. Blush should be applied at the cheek to brow bone. For a natural face blush should be the same color as if you were to naturally flush.

The last step is powder. Using a big fluffy brush powder your entire face. This helps set your makeup and keep it in place all day.

Hope this helps some of you out

Tanya xx